Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
About Film & Animation / Student Natalie20/Female/United States Groups :iconclumsyclub: ClumsyClub
 
Recent Activity
Deviant for 6 Years
Needs Premium Membership
Statistics 1,957 Deviations 8,263 Comments 15,562 Pageviews

Newest Deviations

Favourites

Donate

SaturnSirene has started a donation pool!
30 / 9,000
Umm...I forgot how much you need for a premium membership, but it'd be cool if I could have one. If you gave it to me, you'd be the coolest person in the history of ever.

You must be logged in to donate.

Activity


don't worry, this one is less personal than the past few entries.

still not really drawing much but i decided that for next semester i'm gonna take animation and storyboarding

as much as i love distracting myself, i really will need to get back to focusing.

wulp i got another month to start thinking of ideas lord help me

my partner won't be in the class tho because she quit, so who knows if i'll find a new one or work on my own? hmmmmm.....
don't worry, this one is less personal than the past few entries.

still not really drawing much but i decided that for next semester i'm gonna take animation and storyboarding

as much as i love distracting myself, i really will need to get back to focusing.

wulp i got another month to start thinking of ideas lord help me

my partner won't be in the class tho because she quit, so who knows if i'll find a new one or work on my own? hmmmmm.....
lol the minivan has gone belly-up, it's fucked and too expensive to fix.


I have many other thoughts regarding the situation and how it will be somewhat of an inconvenience, probably just a bigger pain in the ass for the family, for at least the next few months or so, but uh yeah, it looks like there's one less car now. i mean, honestly i've been through much worse and this could have ended up a lot worse.

i'm just at a point where pretty much anything i try or think seems pointless, so maybe that's partly why i can't really bring myself to care anymore. and with summer school ending next week, i sure am gonna have to try to find something to do. really thinking about it is just gonna get me upset and i have no idea what to do anymore. I'm at a point where i'm either constantly frustrated or i don't even care about anything because hey, that's life and as the summer semester comes to an end, i am once again reminded of that things are fuck. Sometimes life is just fuck and you can't do anything about it. I don't know what to do anymore, oh well.

so in the meanwhile, have this image of a car that is the same model as mine, but not because i don't have a picture of it
Image by SaturnSirene
and a brief little playlist to go with it, so you can mourn the loss of my car along with me
1. Worthless-Brave Little Toaster
2. Angel- Sarah McLachlan
3. I Will Always Love You-Whitney Houston
4. Beverly Hills- Weezer
another personal story time, buckle up and grab some popcorn, because I'm gonna write about the exciting car problems i had today.

so today the minivan just overheats and stops working for what appears to be multiple reasons, and smells like it's been burning all day. Which I guess it had been, and i kinda noticed that the brakes sometimes stalled, but today it just finally broke down and couldn't accelerate anymore. I was driving on the freeway with my mom and earlier today i had noticed that there was a burning smell and that sometimes it wouldn't go as fast as it should have been when i was pushing on the gas. Well, as I was getting closer to the exit, the car started going slower and slower until once i got to the stoplight and stopped and this unfamiliar alarm went off, i couldn't move. was stuck for a few minutes until some guys on the side of the freeway saw us and pushed the car down the hill/turn. The brakes were stuck, nor could I accelerate, so I had to try really hard to steer the car, which also seemed kind of stuck? The shift stick was stuck too, kind of. So I had to make the turn and try to pull over and stop the car, but with no brakes and limited steering, that was tricky. Luckily I managed to pull into the gas station and the car stopped before it could hit a wall. 

Everyone was fine, the car obviously needs to be repaired because the brakes are gone, among with some other issues, which might make tomorrow a little difficult, because i need to bring back some heavy camera equipment and other things I don't want to have to carry around all day and I should probably be asleep by now whoops. I mean, that was a little nerve-wracking, but other than that, everything is fine. In fact, I feel pretty happy. Like, things could have been so much worse but i think in this situation, what happened was the best possible outcome, and for once, it wasn't my fault because I was forgetful or something that the minivan broke down. I've had much worse happen to me, and in this case it could have been worse because it was the car that stopped working, but it turned out ok. I still don't really feel anything about it, but I guess if anything, I'm in just as good a mood as I was this afternoon. Like, I was shaking a little bit when it happened but I don't feel like any fear or anything really registered in my head while it was happening. I dunno, is it weird that I can't really bring myself to care about it? The first time and second time I had accidents, I freaked out a lot more (even though the second one was very minor). This one potentially could have ended worse than the first one, but it didn't. But anyways, the important thing is that everything is fine. 

Anyways yeah i probably really should be getting to bed because I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow and i'm tired.
hi hi hi yeah i'm still alive and doing a lot better than i was months ago, summer school is really great

long ramble ahead tho



the thing is, i haven't really even drawn very much over the past few weeks, and i know i need to push myself back up but right now i'm also tryna focus my energy on other productive things i can do. right now i'm trying to find something i'm not inept at. honestly it kinda just feels like i can't do anything right or like i actually have done anything right in months. it would probably take me a while to explain how many things i've managed to screw up, but it's put me in a weird, kind of emotionally numb state of mind. Like, as I write this, I don't actually feel sad, but if I think about things long enough then I do. Like, it feels kind of like I've just given up on trying because i'm just so impatient and unable to figure out what i'm doing wrong. basically i'm doing a terrible job of keeping up with drawing, i probably haven't talked to many people because i can't say how much it feels like i'm doing nothing at all, and yeah overall i have no idea what i'm even doing or supposed to be feeling :)))

The good thing is, that taking PE makes me feel a lot better, because at least that's something, and the class is a lot more enjoyable than it ever would have been in middle or high school. The coach is nice and encouraging. And it feels good to use up energy in a way. Film is cool too, although a four hour class can be kind of tiring sometimes, when you're not let out early. Right now i'm working on a film that I'm gonna shoot this week. This might have been a better class to take over the regular semester.

For my fall semester I'm thinking about taking three general ed courses, maybe a PE course, and I need to figure out whether or not I want to (or can) take animation, color theory (I'm probably not gonna take advanced figure drawing yet, because I still don't think I'm ready for that) or maybe try something different. Which is probably a really stupid idea because I need to stay focused, but I kinda wanna try music technology, or maybe Film 44 or 45? God, I'm so amazing at being flakey and noncommittal with everything, and also terrible at listening to directions and following simple tasks. And maybe that's me being hard on myself, but it just seems like I have no idea what I'm doing. Summer school is over in a couple weeks and then I pretty much have a month off. It honestly doesn't even feel worth trying to find a job anymore because I'm also extremely talented in not being able to do that either. I think I've just been rejected so many times by now that I'm like this. I don't even feel sad as I'm writing this, or even angry. I don't feel anything. I'm just listening to Stevie Wonder and it's cheery. Maybe something will come up today, and then I'll start feeling it, but right now I'm just perfectly content. I'm probably not gonna check this journal entry for another couple weeks at least because haha, I don't have anything to post. i hardly even check back anymore. I still wanna draw, I still wanna animate, but it doesn't feel like I can even do anything right anymore and i have to pull myself out of it. i can't find answers and i'm too impatient, yet i can write this while feeling absolutely nothing. 

i don't know. it's like there's a bunch of small messes going on and i just forget about it because i don't know what i can do and i'm kind of tired of predictably being chastised for it. at least for right now though, having summer school really helps me manage some of my free time and gives me something to do. at home, it's impossible to get anything done and then i start thinking about these thigns again. summer school makes me forget a lot of these things, which is maybe why i don't feel upset right now. that and i had a really good day today with mom. it feels kinda weird for me to even be writing this and trying to explain what i feel, but at some point i know i probably will because i can't find answers.
don't worry, this one is less personal than the past few entries.

still not really drawing much but i decided that for next semester i'm gonna take animation and storyboarding

as much as i love distracting myself, i really will need to get back to focusing.

wulp i got another month to start thinking of ideas lord help me

my partner won't be in the class tho because she quit, so who knows if i'll find a new one or work on my own? hmmmmm.....

deviantID

SaturnSirene's Profile Picture
SaturnSirene
Natalie
Artist | Student | Film & Animation
United States
Yo yo yo dog this be my description. Check it. Word.
Interests

AdCast - Ads from the Community

Comments


Add a Comment:
 
:iconrainbow-nerds:
Rainbow-Nerds Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for the fave! ^-^
Reply
:iconsaturnsirene:
SaturnSirene Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2014  Student Filmographer
You're welcome! :)
Reply
:iconbluniebieski:
BluNiebieski Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
thankies for watching me! :iconcocoloveplz: yay!
Reply
:iconsaturnsirene:
SaturnSirene Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2013  Student Filmographer
You're welcome! :)
Reply
:iconxdelisabeth69:
XDElisabeth69 Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Hey!
Thanks so much for the watch!!! :D
Reply
:iconsaturnsirene:
SaturnSirene Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2013  Student Filmographer
You're welcome!
Reply
:icondergogo:
dergogo Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2013
cooles icon OMG. Woah, your art gallery is definitely fantastic! I am a big fan of your artwork. I might share a beautiful song to you in return. [link]
Reply
:iconkianathewarewolf:
KianaTheWarewolf Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Student Filmographer
Thanks for the :+fav: :icontwilightclapplz:
Reply
:iconsaturnsirene:
SaturnSirene Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013  Student Filmographer
Aw, you know it gurl! :heart:
Reply
Add a Comment: