Yeah sorry another rambly one, but
I think I've honestly never felt less motivated than I am right now, because this project that seems really simple just seems so difficult for me to work on, because it feels pointless. Except it's not pointless, it's two letter grades, so yeah. A part of me wishes I had dropped out of the class earlier, but I know that wouldn't have been good for me, my parents, and that's just not a good mentality to have. I can't really bring myself to care about the project. Not that I'm worried about other things, it just feels like why even bother, because I'm not coming up with anything new or improving anything. And it feels weird to me, because usually, I'll have so many ideas, rush things, try to do it at the last minute, but feel that burst of adrenaline pushing me to try harder for something I know is too overambitious, but at least I'd feel proud of myself for trying. I feel like it would take a lot to discourage me, but lately I kinda just stopped feeling like anything was worth the effort. It doesn't even feel like I've really done much of anything this semester, but i still feel like that. I think generally, everything seems to feel like that. I kind of don't really care about a lot of things anymore. I don't feel much like talking to people, either, and so maybe I come across as stupid/spacey/forgetful/lazy/shy/cold, but oh well. I know I'm not (well, maybe I am forgetful and spacey), but I don't think I really care about that either if I'm not talking to anyone, ha.
On the plus side, today was the first day in over a month that I drew in my own sketchbook. Didn't draw much but hey, I should try to keep myself on track, even if I really want a break from everything. Get away from this town for a week or a month, I wish. Things will be alright. This week has actually been pretty decent, I suppose. The volunteer thing I did last week made me feel good in that I was doing something productive and kinda fun (even if i did feel gross from too much coffee) And once I get done with these stupid final projects, I won't have to worry about figure drawing for a while. Which I really feel horrible saying, because this is what I want to do with my life, but I'm stuck, so.
The real reason I'm writing this is because I really don't want to work on my project right now, and maybe I shouldn't because it's 4 in the morning. I'm in a better mood than what I probably sound like, but I'm just totally stuck with this and don't feel like working at all. But aside from finals, this week is gonna be better! Except this isn't even the final project (so why is she calling it that?), so there's still more, but it's almost over!