hi hi hi yeah i'm still alive and doing a lot better than i was months ago, summer school is really great
long ramble ahead tho
the thing is, i haven't really even drawn very much over the past few weeks, and i know i need to push myself back up but right now i'm also tryna focus my energy on other productive things i can do. right now i'm trying to find something i'm not inept at. honestly it kinda just feels like i can't do anything right or like i actually have done anything right in months. it would probably take me a while to explain how many things i've managed to screw up, but it's put me in a weird, kind of emotionally numb state of mind. Like, as I write this, I don't actually feel sad, but if I think about things long enough then I do. Like, it feels kind of like I've just given up on trying because i'm just so impatient and unable to figure out what i'm doing wrong. basically i'm doing a terrible job of keeping up with drawing, i probably haven't talked to many people because i can't say how much it feels like i'm doing nothing at all, and yeah overall i have no idea what i'm even doing or supposed to be feeling
The good thing is, that taking PE makes me feel a lot better, because at least that's something, and the class is a lot more enjoyable than it ever would have been in middle or high school. The coach is nice and encouraging. And it feels good to use up energy in a way. Film is cool too, although a four hour class can be kind of tiring sometimes, when you're not let out early. Right now i'm working on a film that I'm gonna shoot this week. This might have been a better class to take over the regular semester.
For my fall semester I'm thinking about taking three general ed courses, maybe a PE course, and I need to figure out whether or not I want to (or can) take animation, color theory (I'm probably not gonna take advanced figure drawing yet, because I still don't think I'm ready for that) or maybe try something different. Which is probably a really stupid idea because I need to stay focused, but I kinda wanna try music technology, or maybe Film 44 or 45? God, I'm so amazing at being flakey and noncommittal with everything, and also terrible at listening to directions and following simple tasks. And maybe that's me being hard on myself, but it just seems like I have no idea what I'm doing. Summer school is over in a couple weeks and then I pretty much have a month off. It honestly doesn't even feel worth trying to find a job anymore because I'm also extremely talented in not being able to do that either. I think I've just been rejected so many times by now that I'm like this. I don't even feel sad as I'm writing this, or even angry. I don't feel anything. I'm just listening to Stevie Wonder
and it's cheery. Maybe something will come up today, and then I'll start feeling it, but right now I'm just perfectly content. I'm probably not gonna check this journal entry for another couple weeks at least because haha, I don't have anything to post. i hardly even check back anymore. I still wanna draw, I still wanna animate, but it doesn't feel like I can even do anything right anymore and i have to pull myself out of it. i can't find answers and i'm too impatient, yet i can write this while feeling absolutely nothing.
i don't know. it's like there's a bunch of small messes going on and i just forget about it because i don't know what i can do and i'm kind of tired of predictably being chastised for it. at least for right now though, having summer school really helps me manage some of my free time and gives me something to do. at home, it's impossible to get anything done and then i start thinking about these thigns again. summer school makes me forget a lot of these things, which is maybe why i don't feel upset right now. that and i had a really good day today with mom. it feels kinda weird for me to even be writing this and trying to explain what i feel, but at some point i know i probably will because i can't find answers.